Lilly's Story
by sparkey
Summary: Part 2 is up. A story about Lilly and Ray the first time round. I cried while writing this so make it worth that by reading and reviewing. Slight warning about sexual reference. No graphic details though!
1. Part 1

I don't own Cold Case, so don't sue me.

A story about Lilly and Ray's relationship first time round. This is part 1 of a 2 part story. In this part Lilly is reflecting on her relationship with Ray so far. Feedback is appreciated and I hope you enjoy.

**Lilly's Story.**

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I remember the first time I saw Ray. I collected the glasses from the table he was sat at with a bunch of his friends. I noticed he looked at me and smiled and I think after that he came in more often, sometimes spending the whole afternoon and evening there. He drank a lot but seemed the most sensible one. I'd notice his buddies often came in nursing black eyes and other facial wounds, obviously gained in fights. I could tell he was different though.

Every time he caught my eye he would smile at me, and then look me up and down. I liked it, and always smiled back. He was so hot, with the most amazing eyes. I don't think I'd ever felt like that before.

I don't exactly remember how long these exchanges of looks went on for but it got to the stage when I'd look forward to going to work just so we could look at each other.

He'd always go to the bar and buy the drinks, making sure he'd walk right by me on the way and way back. Never saying anything; just looking. I remember the day I literally bumped into him. My heart was pounding and I could barely catch my breath. I know he noticed this because he whispered in my ear. He asked me if he could give me a ride home. I was lost for words. All I could do was smile and nod yes. He said he'd wait for me.

I was quite nervous when I walked outside and he indicated for me to get on his bike. He asked me where I lived and then just nodded. It was within easy walking distance of the bar, so I predicted that we'd go for a ride round for a while.

The rush was amazing and it felt so good to finally touch him. I probably held on a lot tighter than I needed to but figured he'd assume it was because this was my first time on a bike.

I don't know how long we rode around but I didn't want it to end. I hated going home.

As we pulled up outside my home I thanked him and said goodnight. He said he'd see me tomorrow at the bar, and all I could do was smile. He touched my face and winked at me. My heart almost melted and I knew I had fallen in love with him.

For the next couple of weeks Ray came into the bar everyday. He'd arrived around 5.30 and not leave till closing. He'd speak to me every time he passed me on the way and way back from the bar. He'd ask how I was or tell me I looked pretty.

Most nights he'd give me a ride home and was never pushy; a perfect gentleman.

Finally one night the moment I'd been waiting for finally arrived. Ray asked me out on a proper date. I said yes instantly, completely failing to hide my excitement. The next evening, straight after a day shift we rode to Atlantic City. I was so nervous, but he did everything to reassure me and make me feel relaxed. We had such a great time. All the worrying I did about not having anything to talk about totally went away. I felt comfortable telling him about myself; something I'd never been able to do before, not even to my closest friends.

I knew I was in love with him and had realised that I was ready to give myself to him but I'd never done it before and hoped I was what he wanted. I hoped I was good enough for him as he lead me to a quiet spot on the beach and started to kiss me. He was very gentle and tender, sensing I was nervous. He made me feel things I never had before as he took my virginity. And I remember his exact words after; telling me that I was beautiful and completely amazed him. I think this was the happiest I had ever felt.

We sat there on the beach for hours afterwards just talking. I told him about my childhood; about my mother being an alcoholic; about having to look after my younger sister and about being attacked. I trusted him completely, and Ray just listened without passing judgement, holding me close to him, kissing my temple, my cheek, and my neck.

We talked about our dreams for the future. I told him how I'd always liked the idea of being a cop; catching criminals who hurt and killed others. This surprised him, but I felt instantly that he respected my ambitions. He told me he lived for bikes; Harley's. Wanted his own bike shop, working on and selling custom bikes that would really bring in the big bucks.

The cold broke up that wonderful evening. Although Ray had wrapped his coat around my shoulders I had begun to shiver. He rode slowly back to Philly and I held onto him like I had that first night I went on his bike; real tight, sheltering from the wind and getting every bit of warmth I could from his body.

We pulled up outside my home and as I looked at the door, I couldn't bring myself to get off his bike so I asked Ray if I could stay with him.

His apartment was small and a little untidy, but felt comfortable and welcoming. We went straight to bed when we got there, kissing and exploring each other before falling asleep; Ray holding me in his arms. He was so sexy I could barely fall asleep for looking at him.

We made love again in the morning and it was more passionate that time; we just couldn't get enough of each other.

Ray took me home before going onto work. Mom was fuming when I got in, and Chris was pissed that I had left her with Mom alone. Mom screamed at me for not bringing her bottle back from the bar after my shift and for not picking up her meds from the pharmacy. Any happiness that I was feeling quickly disappeared as yet again I'd walked into the war zone. I didn't know why I still put up with it. I had saved enough to afford a deposit on my own place, but I guess it was for Chris's sake I stuck around. She was only 13 and I knew if I wasn't around Mom would have had her doing all the things I'd had to do.

I stayed long enough to find a skirt of Chris's to wear that was way to tight but the only clean thing in the house and a blouse of my own before shipping out and going to work to wait until 5.30 when Ray would come in.

The day went on forever and I remember wanting to go to his work place so much to see him. But I didn't want him to get in any trouble so I just stayed at the bar and started work a few hours earlier as the place was pretty busy.

Ray came in early and it amazed me how he had instantly known something was wrong with me. He did an amazing job of cheering me up. Kept commenting on how great my ass looked in the skirt that was way too tight. And on my break he took me out back and fucked me up against the wall. Not romantic at all, but god, it had made me feel better.

I told him what went down with my Mom and he told me that I didn't have to go back; that I could stay with him or even better we could just take off together for a while; go road tripping.

The very next afternoon we were gone. A friend of Ray's who was fed of living with his folks took on his apartment and rent and we just told the other necessary people. I'd just announced it to Mom and Chris. I'd decided that I'd have to think of myself for once so didn't even feel guilty about going. Chris said she never talk to me again if I left and I did feel bad, but the thought of Ray and I alone away from Philly was too tempting.

Our savings started to get used up pretty quick, so with it being summer and the weather being great we spent as many nights as we could just sleeping under the stars. Everything was just so relaxed. By day, we'd ride and take in the sights; by night we'd talk and make love. The sex had gotten more and more adventurous as Ray taught me everything he knew. We didn't care where we'd sleep so long as we were together.

The night I remember most clearly was when we had just left Knoxville. We found a quiet spot and had settled for the night. Just me and Ray wrapped up in our one sleeping bag, with the bike and our few other possessions we were carrying. That day we had pulled up outside a court house all ready to get married, but it never happened. Neither of us would get off the bike. I didn't feel sad that we hadn't gone through with it but at the same time I knew Ray was the man I wanted to spend my life with. As we looked up at the stars I asked him why he thought we didn't do it. That's when he first said it; that he loved me and wanted to spend his whole life with me. I was speechless and he joked that he never thought he would love anything more than he loved his bike. He'd said that he knew we'd be together forever so rushing down the isle wouldn't change anything. He said that he wanted it to be special for me; to buy a beautiful white dress for me and pay for a honeymoon. I told him that as long as it was just us two I'd be happy.

I wanted the trip to never end and each day we'd ride further and further away from Philly.

We'd been gone around 8 weeks when I started to get ill. Every day that past I felt weaker and unable to hold any food down. Ray was worried but I told him it was just a bug and would pass. He made sure we had a decent place to stay each night and tried to encourage me to keep eating.

It was getting on for a week and I showed no signs of getting better so Ray told me that he was taking me back home to Philly; that I needed to see a doctor. I argued that I didn't want to go home and that it would pass. He told me how worried he was and that I was getting thinner and thinner from not being able to keep any food down and that we wouldn't have enough money to pay for any medical treatment if we kept going. I gave in, so we began the journey back to Philly.

Ray rode for hours and hours at a time, most of the time with one hand on the handle bars and the other securely holding my arms up around his waist. I was so weak I could barely hold onto him and got good at sleeping on the back of the bike.

It took us two days of almost solid riding to get back, and when we did he took me straight to my doctor. Of course the doctor's schedule for that day was full so an appointment was made for the following morning.

We went back to Ray's apartment that night and he sent his friend packing back to his folks. I didn't want to go home yet. I knew the speech I would have gotten from Mom about not being able to take care of myself and what kind of man would let you get like this.

The following morning Ray came to the doctor with me. The doctor asked what my symptoms were and then asked me when my last period was. I told him it was a few weeks ago and he instantly said that despite that he suspected I was pregnant. I remember our jaws practically dropped to the floor and we just looked at each other stunned. I gave the doctor a urine sample which he said would be tested, with the results available in approximately 48 hours. He suggested in the meantime purchasing a home tester kit, as they are pretty accurate, so at least we would have the chance to discuss our options by the time we went back. He was adamant that I had to take in a much fluid as I could and eat simple, plain food like rice, that I would have a better chance of keeping down.

I remember Ray just pulling me into his arms the moment we got outside and telling me that he loved me and everything would work out fine. He took me home so I could rest while he went out and got the home tester kit and some rice just as the doctor had advised.

We sat on the sofa together, Ray's hands protectively stroking my stomach as we waited for the test to reveal our future. I couldn't look when the time was up so as I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as Ray simply asked what colour I wanted the Nursery. He held me in his arms for what seemed like hours before we spoke.

We both said we knew we wanted to be together forever and that one day we would have wanted kids anyway so even though it had happened a bit quick we would be able to provide a child with a safe, loving home. Ray had said that there was no way he would want me to consider abortion. The baby was a part of us and what we have together and that was precious. He said as long as we had each other everything would be fine.

The first task was to think about how to save money for when the baby arrived and thankfully we were both able to get our jobs back, at the bar and the bike shop.

When the time came to tell Mom about the pregnancy, I was nervous. She hadn't met Ray yet and I'm sure from the reaction she had when I said I was taking off with him that she already disliked him. As expected she flipped out. Screamed that I was abandoning her and Christina, and that I was so selfish. She screamed at Ray for not being more responsible and threatened to call the police and say he'd raped me. She claimed at 19 and 24 we were incapable of raising a child. How could she be so hypocritical? She was so unreasonable and not worth talking to when she was drunk. We didn't stick around for long. Ray helped me to gather my things, I gave my address to Christina and we left without looking back.

Things settled down quickly and when Ray had got over the fact that that having sex wasn't going to hurt me or the baby everything was great. I worked mostly in the day now so Ray and I could spend the evenings together at home. He had changed so much since we had first met. He was wonderful then, but now he was just so perfect. He didn't drink anymore, and when he wasn't working he wanted to spend every second with me. I couldn't have wished for anything better.

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	2. Part 2

_**This was going to be the second part of a two-part story but I'd typed loads and still haven't finished, so there will be another part after this to come sometime, just to sum things up.**_

Thanks to all those that have read and reviewed, it means a lot.

Now, I actually cried while writing this part so I hope all those tears were worth it! Forgive the lack of medical details and explanations; I ain't no doctor so I left it out rather than making up rubbish.

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"Hey…….. hey beautiful." Ray said walking towards me.

"Huh?" I answered as I raised my head off of the hand I was leaning on.

Ray turned me around in the chair and pulled me to me feet.

"You were in a real dream. Whatcha thinking about?" he asked smiling.

"Oh….just how we ended up here." I responded.

"You're always thinking about that."

"It makes me happy." I answered defensively.

Ray draped his arms around my waist. "Come here." He instructed, pulling me in closer.

"I'm surprised you can still get your arms around me." I sighed sarcastically.

"Hey, stop that."

"What? Look at me. I'm huge." I stated pushing Ray's upper arms to distance the gap between us so I could look down at my very pregnant belly.

"You, are beautiful….and very sexy." Ray said, pulling me back in again.

I draped my arms around his neck and kissed him. "I love you." I said against his lips.

"Mmmmm…Lilly, don't temp me." He kissed me passionately and stroked my belly softly before leaning me down into the chair and going back to the bike he was in the middle of working on.

I sat at the desk and watched him silently, mesmerised by the passion in his eyes and concentration to detail that he was paying to that bike. He had been doing some overtime for extra money on this custom made Harley. He was in his element and if he wasn't talking about the baby or his own bike he was talking about this bike. I had been coming to meet him after work to sit with him while he worked on it. It was normally him that collected me from work, but the extra money he was gonna earn from doing this was gonna help our future. And it was giving Ray the experience he needed to further the career of his dreams. I, on the other hand, although sometime reminiscent of what could have been, had settled with the fact I probably never would become a cop. Getting pregnant had changed all that. However I refused to be the kind of woman that would let the guy be the breadwinner while I stayed and looked after the home. I wasn't dumb, so had decided soon after I found out that I was pregnant that I would attend evening classes and further my education. I was studying psychology as I had always been interested in that kind of thing.

"Well, I think that's all I can do for now." Ray announced, standing up and wiping his hands off on his overalls.

"Ready to go home?" Ray put a cover over the bike and closed the office door before walking over to me and helping me out the chair. Getting up and down was increasingly awkward for me with my belly the size it was.

Ray was always telling me how great I looked but I was feeling extremely fat and incompetent at the moment. I hated that too; not being able to do simple things like tie my shoes and get on Ray's bike without help. He didn't mind though; in fact he kept saying he liked for once that I actually let him do things for me.

"Yeah, I'm ready."

"Flick the lights will ya Lil." He asked while he put on his leather jacket and picked up my bag.

We walked out to his bike and as he was helping me on a guy called Ray's name.

"Hey man, haven't seen you around in while."

"Hey. Yeah, been kinda busy." Ray answered shaking his hand.

"I can see that." The guy said jerking his head in my direction. Ray looked at me rolled his eyes and smiled.

"You remember Lilly?" Ray took my hand and squeezed it.

"Yeah, sure the girl from the bar. Hey Lilly." He looked me up and down, which wasn't lost on Ray who let go of my hand and stepped forward in between me and the guy.

"Whatcha doin here Jake?"

"It's Greg's birthday, we're having a night out at our old hang out. You gotta be there Ray."

"Aaa… I don't know?" Ray answered with a slight wince.

"Need permission?" I gasped and Ray turned to look at me. He nodded his head before turning back to Jake.

"He does what he likes." I said feeling just a little pissed off.

"Look, I'm not up for it." Ray added shaking his head.

"Ahh, come on man, you turning down a party?"

"Things change." Ray said casually.

I actually began to feel suddenly guilty. I mean I was responsible for things changing. Since he'd met me he practically abandoned his friends.

"I think you should go." I blurted out. Ray looked at me and Jake smiled.

"The lady has spoken." Jake laughed.

"Uhhhhh…okay…but I gotta take Lil home and change."

"Sure thing, we'll all be there." And with that Jake walked across the street to a car and drove off.

"Baby, you sure?" Ray asked me with uncertainty.

"Course I'm sure. You'll have a great time." I smiled at him before he leant down and kissed me. I'd actually enjoy a night to myself, watching TV, studying and having a real long bath.

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I managed to do all the things I'd hoped while Ray was out, and after my bath put on my sexiest underwear to give him a nice surprise when he got home. The bra was a little small now. Pregnancy meant my belly wasn't the only thing that had got bigger. It gave me the most amazing cleavage though, which I thought would make him smile.

The problem was I fell asleep on the couch in my great underwear covered by my towelling dressing gown and furry slippers.

"Hold on." Ray whispered as he pulled my arms around his neck and picked me up.

"Ray?" I said sleepily. "I wanted to wait up for you."

"You didn't need to do that." He whispered softly as he lowered me onto the bed.

"Help me get this off." I instructed, undoing my gown.

Ray pulled it down off my shoulders and gasped slightly.

"Lil?"

"I wanted to surprise you." I said disappointingly.

"Don't worry I'll take advantage of it in the morning." He grinned. "Right now you need to be sleeping." He supported my neck as he laid me down before undressing and climbing into bed with me.

"Did you have a good time?" I enquired as he wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck.

"I'd rather have been here but it was okay."

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Despite being out the night before Ray was still up before me. He hadn't been able to wait all night so it was sometime in the very early hours he had woke me up and made love to me. Not that I was complaining. Since getting pregnant I couldn't seem to get enough! He'd made easy work of getting the underwear off me and had become an expert at holding me as close to him as possible without squashing the baby.

As I struggled to sit up and get out of bed Ray came back into the room wrapped in a small towel, still wet from his shower.

"Hey, morning beautiful." He said smiling. "You don't need to get up yet."

I smiled back. "So how'd it go last night?" I asked.

"Great to see some of the guys, but at the same time I realised I'm in a whole different world to them."

"Because of me?" I sighed.

"Yeah because of you. But that aint a bad thing Lil. These guys are doing the same thing as we all were last year. I've moved on. I gotta future to look forward to. They're still living like there aint no tomorrow." He explained.

I smiled again and just thought about lucky I was to have him. Someone who wanted me more than anything else. I'd never been like that to anyone before; not even to my mother or sister.

"But your gonna keep in touch with them, right?" I enquired.

"Yeah, I guess. But they bring trouble I don't need." He stated, shaking his head.

"Trouble?" I asked nervously.

"Owning money to the wrong people; getting in fights; drinking. I don't need that on me and I don't want that around you." He said sincerely, looking right into my eyes.

"You've never been like them."

"Just being associated with them is enough to bring trouble Lil."

"Oh." I replied with a worried tone.

Ray walked closer. He was dry now and was almost dressed. He took my hands in his.

"I wouldn't wanna be with, or doin anything else right now Lil. I got you, I got my bike, I got a place to live and I got a kid on the way. I'm a happy man." He leaned down and kissed me softly.

"My god, I'm so lucky to have you." I was feeling kind of overwhelmed.

"I won't argue with that." He laughed, before giving my ass a gentle squeeze then reaching for his t-shirt on the bed.

I laughed back and rolled my eyes as I walked to the kitchen to find something for breakfast.

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Over the next week Ray's friends had been calling on him a lot to go out. He had declined though, saying he'd prefer be with me, work on the bike and save money rather than spend it. My hormones had been going a little crazy though and I'd been pretty down, which made me feel guilty. Ray had chosen to stay with me and all I was doing was feeling sorry for myself. To try and make up for it I suggested we treat ourselves and go out for dinner. Only to the bar I worked at but it was still out, something we hadn't done for a few weeks. Ray was up for the idea and was pleased that I was trying to keep my hormones from completely taking over my emotions. Though I was feeling super fat by now I made myself feel as attractive as I could. Ray, of course had somehow never thought I was anything but attractive and made it increasing difficult for me to get ready as every time I put something on he would try and take it off again. I couldn't blame him though. Because of my mood we hadn't been intimate for a few days. That was making him crazy; and me too for that matter. So what turned out to be an early dinner became a late one and by that time we'd worked up quite and appetite. We'd certainly made up for the last few days, with Ray completely satisfying himself and me, by taking pleasure in every part of my body. He explored me extensively with his hands, lips and tongue before letting me ride him till he climaxed. It made me feel so much better about myself again, knowing I was still able to turn him on so easily.

At the bar we had just finished our meal and had settled with our drinks, sitting next to each other; Ray with his arm draped around the back of the seat behind me. It was near on 10.30 and as we talked and laughed a rowdy bunch of guys came through the door. It was Ray's friends.

"Ray, my man!" One of them shouted, coming over and grabbing his hand to shake. The guy was clearly extremely drunk as were the others that were with him. I only recognised Jake, the guy that had come by the garage a week ago. He looked me up and down as he'd done before then winked at me. I remained expressionless. Ray hadn't noticed as he was tied up with the guy who had now dragged him to his feet and was bear hugging him.

"So this is the girl you keep bailing out on us for? Well I can see why, she's hot." He whispered before releasing him back into his seat next to me.

"Ray, the usual." Another guy shouted over holding a drink up and in Ray's direction. "You gonna come join us?"

Ray looked towards me and pressed his lips together. I could tell he wasn't keen, remembering the conversation we had that morning.

"Why don't you go join your buddies. I'll go home." I suggested. I knew part of why Ray wasn't keen was because I was here and they were all drunk. They may have been friends but I sensed Ray didn't really trust them.

"You aint walkin home on your own." He announced, shaking his head. "Lemme just down this drink and we'll go."

"But Ray I don't want them thinking I'm taking you away."

"You aint Lil. And hey, if they can't see why I'd rather be with you then they must have something wrong with them." He teased. And with that Ray got up and proceeded to walk over to the bar. He took his drink and then indicated for me to go join him by jerking his head. Trying not to make a complete fool of myself I very slowly got out from behind the table and onto my feet. Ray jokingly pushed one of his friends off a bar stool.

"You got no manners man. Let my girl sit down."

Ray steadied the stool as I sat down and then positioned himself just behind me; his hand around my waist protectively guarding my belly.

With the kisses Ray kept laying on me and the conversation he was having with his friends meant the drink certainly didn't get downed quickly. But although his friends were drunk everything felt pretty comfortable.

With the drink finally finished Ray whispered that it was time for us to go. "I'll be right back." He said as he released me and walked towards the men's room.

I climbed off the stool and stood waiting silently for Ray to come back, when the doors of the bar flung open and another bunch of guys came in. I couldn't understand what was being said but the guys that came in certainly weren't friendly looking. I counted seven of them and immediately became worried that Ray and his friends were out numbered. They were confident as they marched right on over to us. I immediately took a couple of steps back and looked over to the men's room door where there was still no sign of Ray. One part of me wanted him to stay there until whatever was about to happen was all over, but another part of me wanted him to come take me away from it.

The guy that looked like the ring leader made a beeline for me and grabbed my wrist firmly, pulling me away from the bar. I winced but remained silent. His grip was tight, but I'd been through worse in the past and had learnt that keeping quiet was best way to keep things from getting more unpleasant.

"So who do you belong too?" He announced to the now silent bunch of Ray's friends.

"I don't belong to any of them, I work here." I answered calmly.

"Your man lets you work in a place like this?" He teased.

"Let go of her." The guy who had been bear hugging Ray earlier that night said.

"What's she worth? My $500 you owe me maybe?" He questioned.

"Get your hands off her." Ray announced angrily as he saw what was going down.

"Ahhh, she's yours." He nodded. "I seen you before."

"Look I'll give all I got." Ray answered taking his wallet out of his back pocket and pulling out all the notes he had.

"How much?"

"Uhh, $120. It's all I got." Ray was now pleading.

"Don't worry man, I aint gonna hurt her. I got a girl in the same way and if you're anything like me, if someone her hurt I'd hunt them down." And with that he released his grip on me.

One of the other guys grabbed the money from Ray's hand as I rushed over to him. Ray held me tightly whilst simultaneously edging us further away from the gangs of men.

"Are you okay? Lemme look at you." He demanded as he stroked my face and ran his hands over my belly.

"I'm fine, just please don't get involved." I pleaded desperately.

"I'm not going to. We're goin home." He assured me.

My boss indicated for us to go out the back way and as Ray held open the door for me I caught the look of desperation on his friends face. I immediately turned to Ray who nodded that he couldn't help this time. I think his friend understood as when I looked back over to him he smiled at me and indicated for us to go.

By the time we had got home Ray had calmed down just a little. He was mad at the guy who had grabbed me but more mad at his friends who had let him grab me. I think Ray checked me over about 100 times for marks or injuries before letting me go to bed. And as I lay there I could hear him pacing across the room clearly trying to calm himself down more.

"Ray, come to bed." I called.

"I'm sorry, am I keeping you awake?" He asked.

"Just come to bed and hold me." I suggested. And soon enough Ray had undressed and was beside me stroking my belly, telling me that as soon as the baby was born we would move away. Upstate; to a farm, where he could work the fields and make a better life for all of us. As I fell asleep I pictured what he was saying in my mind and it looked so perfect.

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As time passed Ray had begun to work more and more to save money for the arrival of baby. It was only 8 weeks away and because I was working less than I had been he wanted to have enough money so he could take a few weeks off after the birth so all of us could be together. The custom bike he was working on was almost finished and he was so proud of the work he'd put into over the last few months.

He'd not heard from his friends who he thought were probably to ashamed to contact him and he was actually glad they hadn't. After what had happened at the bar that night my boss had banned them and they hadn't been seen around since.

The routine now was for me to just work the lunch time rush at the bar and then go to Ray's work for the rest of the day and study there. It had been really busy at work this lunch time, so I initially thought, that was causing me to feel a little odd and uncomfortable. I was finding it hard to study, so told Ray I was gonna take a walk and get some air.

"You feeling okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, I think so. I think I just need some air." I answered.

"Perhaps I should take you home so you can lie down. You look tired." He suggested as he put down his spanner and walked over me.

"You're in the middle of work." I objected, indicating for him to get back to it as his boss was looking at us through the office window.

"He won't mind, I aint had much of a break today." He said as he turned to acknowledge his boss by nodding.

"I'm just gonna take Lil home." He called. His boss just waved a hand and nodded. He seemed pretty cool about it.

Ray walked me the few blocks home and tucked me into bed comfortably before going back to work. He said he'd try and get off early tonight and for me to not worry about making dinner.

I tried to sleep but was increasingly restless. I couldn't work out what was happening. Then out of nowhere I knew exactly what was going on. I moved faster than I had done for months as I leapt out of bed and tried to get to the bathroom. My waters had broken. I was expecting more mess than there actually was but soon didn't care about that as I went into shock that I was going into labour this early. I mentally shook myself as stood there stunned.

"Call Ray, call Ray." I said out loud as I tried to focus on picking up the phone and dialling the right number.

His boss picked up the phone.

"Hello, Smith's Garage." He answered.

"It's Lilly I need Ray." I said urgently. I heard his boss call over to him, 'the girlfriend,' as I twisted my fingers nervously round the phone cord.

"Lil?" he answered concerned.

"Ray, I need you, my waters have broke, I think the baby is coming." I was becoming hysterical.

"WHAT, but…. it's too early. You sure?"

"Ray please, I need you." I pleaded.

"Okay, call the hospital, try pack your bag; you know, put everything in that's on that list and what we don't have I can get later. I'm on my way to pick you up." He sounded stunned but at the same time was so organised and knew exactly what needed to be done.

As he hung up I set about concentrating on breathing properly and keeping myself calm while gathering all the things I'd need.

"Shit, call the hospital." I cursed.

By the time Ray had come my bag had most of the things I'd need.

"My boss is waiting in his car outside to take us." He announced as he took my bag and placed his arm around me to guide me out.

The hospital wasn't far; too far to walk however and when we got there the contractions that had started were still mild and not very often.

It was my turn to be calm now as Ray fussed over me, asking every few seconds if there was any change and reminding me of all the things we'd learnt at birthing classes.

There was a sense of urgency surrounding me as I was led into a private room and hooked up to monitors with doctors and midwives all examining me. The doctor and midwife explained that it wasn't ideal that the baby had decided to come this soon and said that despite there being a risk that the baby might not survive, this did happen more often than people realised. I was now getting increasingly frightened as Ray questioned them about the exactly percentage the baby had of being okay. They wouldn't guarantee us anything but reassured us they would be doing everything they could.

Labour lasted for hours and Ray was with me every step of the way. Holding my hand, stroking my face, telling me how proud he was and how much he loved me.

Finally, 10 long hours after we'd got to the hospital she arrived. So, so tiny. She was taken straight away, put in an incubator and hooked up to monitors. All I could do was cry.

"Can I hold her?" I pleaded as I watched them work on her.

"Maybe later." The nurse said as she moved some hair out of my face. "She needs urgent monitoring."

"Is she gonna be okay?" Ray demanded as he held me tighter to him and looked over to her.

"We're going to do all we can." The nurse answered calmly. "What are you going to name her?" She asked.

I looked at Ray and tried to smile. "Emma." He answered.

"Well, we are going to do all we can for baby Emma." And with that she was taken out of the room to the special care unit.

"I wanna hold her." Was all I could say as I sobbed into Ray's shoulder as he held me in his arms.

"I know, me too Lil." He choked as he stroked my hair and held me even tighter.

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After I'd been cleaned up I barely left Emma's side for days. I was sick with worry that I couldn't eat, sleep or do anything. Ray was there with me every moment he could be and the nurses always had to insist that he go home to get some rest. He told me how he hated doing that though and wanted to be at our side for every second of the day. He was being so strong for my sake even though I knew this was as painful for him as it was for me. Emma was still breathing by herself but showed no signs of getting any better. And I still hadn't been able to hold her. That was the hardest thing; not being able to hold her and show her that I loved her and wanted her to live.

Ray had brought Christina by a couple of times but no sign of my mother. Apparently she had met some guy and was preparing to get married for the third time. I just got in the way of that. Christina was miserable but I couldn't help her. I could barely help myself at the moment. She had grown up so quickly and I could see the pattern beginning. Her skirts had gotton a lot shorter, she was wearing heavy make up and she was smoking. I desperately didn't want her to end up like mom but I all I could focus on was my baby and what was happening to her. The nurses had tried to remain positive but it was clear from the amount of time I was spending there that they didn't hold out much hope. Emma's time was running out and what I needed to do was prepare myself for when the time came.

And it did come, two and a half weeks after she born. It was the saddest and the happiest day of my life. We had to say goodbye to her and lose her forever but I also got to hold her for the first time. Her breathing had gotton weaker and her heart wasn't developing enough to keep her alive. The doctors predicted that the time was soon so let me hold her in my arms. I was overwhelmed by the sensation. Just so happy to have her in my arms so she could feel how much she meant to me. As she slipped away I kissed her and told her how much her mommy and daddy will always love her. Ray was right there too stroking her cheek and holding me tightly. We sat there silently holding her as the nurses switched off her monitors and unhooked her from all the machines. I wrapped her back in the blanket Ray had bought when he found out I was pregnant and kissed her again as the nurse waited to take her away. I didn't want to let go of her but Ray gently took her from me and kissed her for the last time before passing her to the nurse. She looked so tiny in his arms yet he was so gentle with her. I saw a tear roll down his cheek so had to lower my head just enough so I couldn't see his face.

"You'll be able to visit her in the chapel in a little while." The nurse said softly. Ray smiled at her in acknowledgement and we both watched as they took our daughter away.

We were both devastated and just sat there in silence. I couldn't even cry. I just stared at the empty space where Emma had been for the last two and a half weeks wondering why nothing good ever happened to me. Ray was good but how long would he stick around now? He didn't have any ties anymore and paying for Emma's medical bills had used up most of what we'd saved. Look what I'd done to him. Caused him nothing but pain.

"You should go." I said to him.

"What?" he answered stunned.

"I'm no good to anymore." I responded, lowering my head to hide my tears.

"I love you, and I'm not going anywhere Lilly." He insisted as he cupped my face and made me look into his eyes. "I love you and I'm not gonna let you push me away. I need you, and you need me and I'm gonna be here for you because you mean everything to me." He pulled me into his arms and held me as I cried.

"I don't think I'm ever gonna get over this." I choked.

"We will. It will get easier I promise you." He said as he kissed my forehead, my nose and then my lips. "You still feel that don't you?" he asked.

"Yes." I whispered as I kissed him. "I just don't wanna lose you too." I sobbed.

"You're not gonna lose me. I love you so much Lilly." He reassured as he guided me out of the room where our daughter had spent her whole life.

We went directly down to the chapel and waited outside until we were allowed to go in and see our daughter before she was taken out of our sight forever. When we finally went in she looked so peaceful and still wrapped in that same blanket. Ray reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. He opened it to reveal a photograph of us sat on his bike; his arms wrapped around my very pregnant belly. He took the photograph out and placed it beside Emma's tiny head.

"We'll always be with you sweetie." He whispered as he turned away wiping his tears and trying to collect himself. It hurt me so much to see him so devastated but there was nothing I could do to take the pain away because I was feeling it to.

As I looked at Emma and the photograph beside her I remembered the vision I had in my mind a few months back as Ray described the farm and our life together as a family. I simply thought to myself that maybe dreams are never meant to come true.

"Everything I do is gonna be for you." I whispered as I kissed her, readjusted her blanket and walked away.


End file.
